Where "F" = Frequency, "V" = Volume, and "D" = Duration

As a rule, I try to keep the shopping cart between my wife and some of the more "interesting" goods on the store shelves and racks. A blocking maneuver of sorts; an attempt to prevent her from laying eyes on the countless items that she's positive she could possibly need right now. I've concluded it's a pointless effort. That became clear to me when she noticed the incredibly cute infant wear at the local "Retail Behemoth That Cannot Be Named." There are zero infants currently in the family, and--trust me on this--she's not having any babies, other than some type of omniscient interference. A surgeon, skilled in the mechanics of "mommy parts" has made that occurrence impossible.

That's a small part of what lead to the genesis of the "Ooh Formula." I'll get to the specifics of the formula in a bit; first, some background.

My wife is a grade school teacher; has been for some time. As a result of her experience, she has a level of peripheral vision that is superhuman. Her ability to spot bric-a-brac, gadgets, gee-gaws, and cute stuff is astonishing. I'm positive it's happened with stuff we've walked past and is already behind us. Here's where the "ooh" comes in....

When my wife spots something glittery, shiny, or cute....I will hear an "ooh"....just one, meaningless phoneme. It took me some time to realize it was her, making some type of primordial hoot in response to a long-forgotten hunter/gatherer instinct. I found this very interesting. Especially when I realized the "ooh's" varied in frequency, volume, and duration; much like bird songs vary for specific purposes. And, then I realized--referring to the formula referenced in the title--that (F x V x D = c) often determined the amount of money I was about to spend at the register!

There is the single, sharp "ooh", signifying something relatively trivial; a potato masher perhaps. There is the quick, staccato, "ooh,ooh,ooh"; this usually indicates something she's just remembered she needed. The greatest impact is from the long, drawn-out, "oooooooohhhhh". If I'm unsuccessful with my argument, this is gonna' cost me some money.

There are many variations to these vocalizations; with subtle and varied results. Admittedly, the formula is somewhat rough around the edges, but I think with more research I can fine tune it so that I can accompany her to a mall or store and have some confidence in my purchasing power.

Of course, I could develop some strategy to diminish her ability to spot "interesting" things altogether. I'm thinking a conversion....I'll bet the woman depicted here can't see shit. It would probably be more socially acceptable than my first brainstorm....which was to outfit her with horse blinders.